Get your wine ready… you’re going to need a bottle, or two.
The moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived: the three most excruciating hours of our lives that we experience twice a year for the Bachelor and Bachelorette finales. Luckily for us members of Bachelor Nation, we were left with 3 contestants for the finale rather than the usual 2. We have 1) Eric, who Rachel basically sees as her cousin or something; 2) Peter, who came on this long ass “journey” to not even want to get engaged; 3) Bryan, who probably has called her a hoe in Spanish many times but made it sound suave. Well clearly we have our hands full with a load of shit here don’t we now?!
So the episode starts off with Peter and Rachel’s date where he’s still adamant about not proposing to Rachel. Her: but pls. Him: nah. Anyway, he’s offered the fantasy suite (which I am unsure if he actually wanted and seemed he would have rather the individual rooms) and Rachel expresses her feeling that the overnight suite might be something they “need” – aka I’m going to make you change your mind after you sleep with me cause I’m a #bossbitch. *whips out handcuffs* And let’s not even touch on the fact that in the morning they spoke to each other while peaking their heads out of opposite windows as if this was a scene from The Sound of Music. Rachel believed there would be clarity in the morning, but needless to say, there was not.
Anyfuckingway. Cue Bryan, who Rachel is clearly relieved to see and is running after him like the ice cream truck is making their last round on the block for the day. She’s also licking him as if he is an ice cream cone anyway. So that’s that. There’s nothing else to even speak about here because according to Bryan their chemistry “is hotter than ever” and he’s “more confident than ever” so as you would imagine this entire scene just annoyed me.
As you guessed, yes Ryan was the first guy to receive a rose at the ceremony. I was about to lose my shit here because I was actually nervous this was about to be the end of Peter. Rachel looked him dead in the eyes when she said she’s here for a proposal [and a huge Neil Lane diamond fucking ring for free] and not for a boyfriend. *shivers* So at this moment, I gave a mental goodbye to Peter and imagined him being pushed off the cliff. But then she gave him the rose and all was well. Sorry not sorry Eric.
*ignores entire part where Rachel and Eric talk live on the hot seat with Chris Harrison*
To the important parts – final dates with Peter and Bryan.
Peter and Rachel kick off their date in a church (because she couldn’t be pushing this marriage thing any harder at this point). They discuss, obviously, marriage. He tells her it’s not that he’s not in love with her, but he’s still not ready to say she’s the one he will last forever with and the idea of being married more than once is absolutely dreadful and he’d rather just die. Basically. He says he didn’t expect to actually find love with Rachel, so he is conflicted now. Not sure exactly what he was hoping/expecting to happen, as we all know how the “journey” on the Bachelor(ette) goes. So pls lmk. Things started getting too real for me by the end of this date and my heart could no longer handle it. I actually choked on some popcorn kernels because I think I stopped all feeling in my mouth and could no longer remember how to use my motor skills. Peter basically tells Rachel he’ll propose to her simply because he doesn’t want to lose her, and knows this is what she wants. She proceeds to tell him she wants him to propose because he wants to, not because she does. The convo continues as follows for the next 10 or so minutes:
Rachel: I want a proposal
Peter: Well I don’t feel ready to propose to you tomorrow
Rachel: But I can’t move forward with a boyfriend I want a fiancé [and a huge Neil Lane diamond fucking ring for free] (not sure why ABC kept editing this sentence out)
Peter: Ok then I will propose to you tomorrow if that’s what you want
Rachel: Don’t do that if it’s not what you want
Peter: It’s not want I want
SO CLEARLY AT THIS POINT I’M FRUSTRATED BUT JUST WAITING FOR AN AGREEMENT.
And then it happened. Game Over. Peter hits her with the “I wish you nothing but the best” and before you know it Rachel’s eyelashes are stuck to the hall floor like my bathroom after I get home from wild night out. This was definitely one of the top 5 hardest TV breakups I ever had to watch and naturally I bawled my eyes out.
The only thing worse than watching the breakup was watching Peter take the stage live and clearly hate himself for everything that happened between himself and Rachel. Rachel is sassy as ever and tells Peter she’s living “her best life” and in other words he should just go fuck himself. I’m already convinced from her facial expressions + body language that she wanted Peter to be the final one she ended up with and she’s salty about how things ended. I mean, ABC didn’t even bother trying to hide the fact that she goes on to get engaged with Bryan after literally begging Peter to change his mind. He then admits he tried to reach out to Rachel after the show and was ultimately denied (which sounds like a lot of salt to me, Rach). She then throws more salt all over Peter’s marinade by telling him he’s just not a fit for this show, because (shockingly) he likes to do things like a normal human being at a normal pace, and date for a few months or maybe even a few years before putting a ring on it. And well, obvi, on ABC you’re either engaged in 5 weeks or you’re doomed. Disclaimer: you’re usually doomed either way.
We then get to see the gruesome proposal from Bryan who speaks words that Rachel doesn’t really understand but just happily smiles and pretends she gets it. Bryan has no idea at this point that Peter was already broken up with and never even got a chance to make it to the rose ceremony. Side note, bad move ABC. Nothing says “Bachelorette Finale” like the anticipation of seeing who gets out of the limo first. Episode fucking ruined. Anyway, they talk some lovey dovey nonsense and then he gets down on one knee and Rachel jumps up and down and screams for what seems like an uncomfortably long time but probably lasted only a few seconds. He then asks for her hand in marriage (after calling her easy) and spoiler alert: she says yes. But my interpretation of this entire thing was: to be honest Bryan, Peter didn’t want to propose and I wanted a diamond ring, so here we are getting blown away on this cliff and I’m about to lose my eyelashes again. Let’s get married even though your mom threatened my life.
So yeah, I’m pretty pissed. In better news, Paradise starts next Monday and life will finally have meaning again.