CAUTION: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!
The moment we’ve all been waiting for: hometown dates. Let me start off by saying I’m already pissed off because I’m in the ABC’s Bachelor Fantasy League and I’m only 2/4 correct on the final four women. My final four predictions were: Corrine (correct), Vanessa (correct), Taylor (why the fuck?), and Danielle M (poor angel didn’t stand a chance). So I’m already out of the running for winning any sort of Fantasy League Prize.
Taylor? Really what was I thinking with that one?
Anyway, time for the highly anticipated episode we all have been dying to get to. First up: Raven.
I’m already confused at what’s happening. Also I’m pretty sure Nick just shit himself. Imagine Nick getting pulled over by police, let alone being calling down from scaling a building by them. I mean the show hasn’t even been on for five minutes yet and he’s already SHIT HIS PANTS.
Okay I had my doubts about their date, and this whole rolling around in the mud scene just validated why. Note: guys, never take me ATV riding and mud rolling. But it is kind of cute. Maybe I’m loving this. Maybe I’m loving this because it reminds me of a Nicholas Sparks movie scene? Maybe I’m loving this because it’s happening to someone else and not my freshly blonde hair? Yes, that’s it. Okay then I’m into it. Waiting for something to cue the waterworks now…
I spoke too soon *cueing waterworks*. Did she speak about her dad being sick at any point, because I must’ve missed that? Actually I didn’t even know Raven was on this show until like, the last episode, so yeah I definitely missed that. But seriously where did she come from? This conversation with her dad though is actually breaking my heart and it’s safe to say I have tears. Ok but now I’m crying. Shit I’m really crying. Or am I crying because her dad’s name is Wesley and her brother’s name is Weston? *tears because this is not ever ok*
Wait what happened to dinner? Are they skipping dinner? Or did I miss this the same way I missed Raven’s existence for the first 7 episodes? No they definitely didn’t eat because I know I would have been checking out the meal. First there’s no meal, now she doesn’t say I love you? This whole date is just fucked up. You’ve officially just sent your own self home. This hometown was too drama-free for me, and we’ve got bigger fish to fry now. Will you NOT accept this rose, Raven? Thanks.
OMG CORRINE JUST STARTED AN INSTAGRAM LIVE! HIIIII CORRINE!! DO YOU SEE THIS MESSAGE! *sends 10 thousand hearts* *typing “SAY HI VICTORIA FROM NY” as if she’s seeing it*
Anyway… Rachel’s turn! I can’t even bring myself to get into this one knowing she’s about to get eliminated. Y U DO DIS ABC? Y? I’m already thinking: fast forward. And I already know Nick anyway is going to be such an outcast with this family – aside from what you’re all thinking – but if Rachel’s family is anything like her, he’s a little too immature to be hanging with them. I actually get uncomfortable knowing the maturity level she’s on compared to him. *cringe*
THIS CHURCH IS LIT THOUGH!!! I need to attend one of those. I can’t tell if he’s loving or hating it, but I’m loving it. I’m loving not knowing if he’s loving or hating it.
I’m already betting that her dad is going to show up and be so intimidating that Nick shits his pants for the second time in this episode. *see Raven’s date above*
Okay Nick is actually keeping himself (and his shit) together with all of these tough family questions. They are ON him. It is ON like Donkey Kong (Does anyone say that anymore? Did anyone ever say that? I might’ve just made that up…). YES WE KNOW HE’S WHITE AND SHE’S BLACK CAN WE MOVE ON WITH THIS TOPIC ALREADY?! And there Nick goes blowing it already by admitting he’s never gone past the first date with a black woman. That did not help your case, dude. Not helpful.
We are now 2-for-2 on the hometown dates ending with no I love you’s. What is with these girls? First Raven now Rachel, THIS IS WHAT HOMETOWNS ARE FOR. SAY “I LOVE YOU” SO HE CAN AWKWARDLY SQUIRM AND NOT SAY IT BACK AND THEN YOU CRY ON THE CONFESSIONAL CAMERA AND SAY “WHY CAN’T HE JUST GIVE ME A HINT?” I need to see tears, women. Whatever Rachel you’re already the next Bachelorette, so I’m over it.
Okay but honestly, enough of that because it’s Corrine’s time to shine. Have I mentioned I’m #TeamCorn? Well I am.
OKAY SEE THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE! THIS IS A REAL DATE! SHOPPING SPREE! Actually though can Corrine take me on a date? My closest is looking empty af and so is my bank account, so I could really use that card right now.
And why haven’t I ever been served champagne while shopping? What kind of treatment is this, Forever 21?
“IT’S A CLASSIC PIECE.” Yes. I agree, Corrine and sales associate. This is everything to me.
BUT SHE JUST SAID I LOVE YOU AND I AM SMILING EAR TO EAR BECAUSE FINALLY A WOMAN IS STEPPING TO THE PLATE! Tbh, I’d let her get away with not saying it because she just bought him a $3,200 outfit, and nothing says “I love you” like a credit card swipe.
Raquel has OFFICIALLY made her TV debut, people! The nanny, the myth, the legend. The one and only “cheese pasta” maker. RAQUEL I LOVE YOU AND LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOU. Wait but why didn’t she make cheese pasta for this dinner? Isn’t this the reason Chris Harrison made Nick keep Corrine all the way to hometowns, to show us what cheese pasta is? I’m mildly disappointed in you for not putting this in the contract, Chris.
I’m so nervous about these olives. Say something Nick? Do you like them or not? DO YOU LIKE HER DAD’S OLIVES? Thank god. Good answer. Damn now I want to go upstairs and get some olives. *waiting for commercial break*
I’m obsessed with Corrine’s family. Raquel’s cute. Her dad’s cute. Her mom’s eyeliner though…. #notcute. And now I’m just blatantly staring at her moms horrific makeup. 🙁
“I love him daddy. We’ve been dating for a month and a half!” OH! That’s how love works. I must jot that down for a self-reminder next time I know a guy for a month and a half.
Most importantly, where did her dad get those glasses with a dent to rest your thumb? Need. And most awkwardly, why is Corrine’s entire family (Raquel included) watching her and Nick make out hardcore right now through the window? I’m extremely bothered.
Date #3: success. And now I’m eating olives.
And finally, the girl who has missed the entire concept of the Bachelor and thinks she is the only contestant, Vanessa. I actually selected her for my Fantasy League final rose pick. I really am over this relationship but I won’t be mad if she wins because at least I will have won something in this damn Fantasy League.
But seriously, has she forgotten she is one among three others? Hello lady. And she just explained to a grown man how divorce works (they have to go to two houses) like a child celebrating Christmas for the first time with separated parents. We know.
My hearts already melting at her students right now. Shit I’m crying again. And now I’m bawling. Also, how come I’ve never encountered a teacher this pretty? She’s definitely a first.
Is her family really grilling Nick about buying a place in Montreal already? No wonder she missed the concept of the show, her family probably submitted her themselves and never told her she was competing against other women! Her sister is actually freaking me out and I’m afraid she’s going to do some sort of voodoo on Nick to marry Vanessa instantly. “I WILL HATE YOU.” Jeeze, these people. But it actually makes complete sense because my overly crazy Italian family would do the same thing.
Finally they go to her dad’s house where SOMEONE understands the point of this show!!!! THANK YOU!!! At first he denies giving Nick his blessing because, well, Nick asked three other families the same question. So like, no you cannot marry my daughter. And then Nick continues to talk about his “respect” and “appreciation” for Vanessa, so naturally her father is easily persuaded and decides “Fuck it, yeah sure you can marry her.” Well not exactly in those words, but he might as well have said it just like that.
And then her father happily tells Vanessa that he gave Nick his blessing, only to then let her down ever so harshly by letting her know he did, in fact, as the other families for the blessing as well. Vanessa, obviously, is confused and hurt by this. Because well, she is the only contestant on the show, so why would he ask the other parents this question? Aren’t the other girls just there to keep her company when she isn’t on one-on-ones?
*Jump scene to Nick’s hotel* Nick is getting ready for the rose ceremony, and of course there has to be a plot twist because this episode was hardly dramatic. And who’s there, knocking on his door? Of course it’s Andi Dorfman. Why wouldn’t ABC do this? So what you mean to tell me is that Nick will go back to Andi, and we just wasted the last 4 years watching Nick hopelessly fall in and out of love, just to end up right where he started…. Two Bachelorettes, one Bachelor in Paradise, and one Bachelor, to LITERALLY end up at square one. Are Josh Murray and Shawn B going to help pick out the engagement ring, too? Thank you ABC for taking years off my life that I will never get back.
To be continued….