The [worst episode of] Bachelor Recap

So there’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back. And here’s another hour I’ll spend talking about it. 

First of all – let’s all stop pretending Andi and Nick are BFF and she did this out of the kindness of her heart and not for the fat check ABC is handing her. Now that that the obvious is out of the way – seriously can we stop acting like she didn’t deny his proposal slash write a book about how much he sucks? Like this is brother sister pep talk is just awkward af now.

Whiskey or wine? I’ll take the wine considering I am not 1) Nick Viall who may or not end up publicly humiliated for the fourth time on national tv 2) Andi Dorfman who has to give her ex-almost-fiance dating advice 3) the four girls standing outside in the freezing cold while their potential husband is inside getting dating advice from his ex-almost-fiance. Wine is just fine for me whose only job in all of this is to watch it all unfold while eating  shoving my face with popcorn.

Seriously they couldn’t have given these girls some sweatpants? I’d offer up my rose without even letting Nick get the chance to send my ass home if someone told me I can’t have sweats to stand out there.

Anyway – first Nick makes this groundbreaking announcement to Andi that he might actually end up walking away from this whole thing and not “just propose because he’s the bachelor and there will be one girl left.” Interesting? Andi clearly seems intrigued by this thought and is now wondering off into the magical land in her mind where shows how perfect life would have been if SHE had thought of that. “So you mean to tell me all along I could’ve dumped him AND Josh? Shit. At least I got bestselling book out of all of that.”

And then Nick goes on to say this won’t happen, however, because he does see a future with one of these women. Right. I’m so very sure. Andi then gives Nick some awkwardly sexual advice that she prefers to call “a feminist rant” ( ?)* where she is indeed telling a man to have sex with whoever he wants and that he is entitled to do whatever he wants. Feminist rant (? )*  over.

*(?) I have no idea how on earth this could possibly be considered a feminist rant. In fact, it is so opposite of a feminist rant, that feminists would probably be pissed about it. But then again, feminists probably don’t watch shows like The Bachelor where men slowly and painfully eliminate women from their lives one by one. So in this case… do you, Andi. Do you and your feminist rants.

Which leads us to the dreadful moment moment of Nick’s life when he asked Andi – on national tv – why she would make love with him (with – not to) if she wasn’t in love with him. Yes: “why would you make love with me” were the exact words. No: that choice of wording wasn’t even the most humiliating point of Nick’s reality tv career, which is the worst part of all of this. The only obvious answer to all of this would be that Andi is a feminist and that’s why she made love with him (see paragraph above).

Anyway, to the rose ceremony where we all already know Rachel will be going home because ABC decided to announce her future as The Bachelorette two weeks ago.

And that’s where this entire episode went wrong. Call the plot twist police because Nick just said CORRINE home. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE STILL WATCHING THIS GIRL RACHEL IF WE ALREADY KNOW SHE DOESNT WIN? CHRIS HARRISON WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING THIS? WHAT ABOUT TEAM CORN? MY HOPES AND DREAMS HAVE ALL JUST BEEN CRUSHED BEFORE MY EYES.

Naturally, Corrine starts crying uncontrollably and has snot coming out of every possible hole snot can come out of. She then goes on to apologize to him for anything she could’ve possibly done wrong to hurt him, and doesn’t even ask for her $3,000 back. I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason I’d even be crying. Knowing he just sent me home after I buy him cashmere. Asshole.

We say goodbye to Corrine as she wheels away in the Go-Fuck-Yourself-Limo, which holds the tears and snot of all the other women who were left to rot on their way to the airport. The Snot-Mobile, if you will. Inevitably, she seems very much over this breakup already and now takes a nap.

So here we are, watching Nick and the girl I didn’t know existed until two weeks ago but is madly in love with Nick, Raven, head into their soon-to-be overnight date in “the most Northern place” Nick has ever been to. Alrighty then.

The two share some drinks and intimate conversation about steaming versus ironing. They’ve officially established that Nick will do the cooking and Raven will fold the clothes, and then go on to argue about whether the steamer or the iron will remove the crease from pants better. I mean honestly who gives a shit? We wouldn’t even have these issues if Nick would’ve made the right choice and gone with the woman who has a damn nanny. #TeamCorn #WhatAreChores?

Raven is now mentally preparing herself for not one, but two big announcements. The first, being her debut of the words I love you. The second, being the ever-so-appropriate “I’ve never had an orgasm.”

Finally, she spills the beans on her love for Nick and how he made it so easy for her to fall in love with him. Even despite his turtleneck outfit. He nominates Raven’s min-monologue as “one of the best professions of love” that he’s ever heard. Not that he’s heard many, considering, you know how the last relationships went. Everything is squeaky clean until she casually slips it in there that she’s only ever slept with one guy, and that she’s never had an orgasm.

UM?????????????? TMI??????? Who taught this young lady dinner table etiquette?  The rules of dinner table manners are as followers: 1) no elbows on the table, and 2) refrain from the word “orgasm.” Also like, doesn’t she come from a town of 10-12 people? Pretty sure all of Hoxie can now narrow down their options and cross one potential lover off the list. And considering Nick’s outfit choice for the evening- World’s Ugliest Turtleneck- the odds are not in your favor for the night, sorry to say, Raven.

For some strange reason, Nick keeps intercepting Raven from her wine glass. I wonder why. She clearly needs it more than ever.

This painfully awkward scenario finally comes to an end as they now head off to the fantasy suite that Raven wasted absolutely NO time accepting. Guess we’ll find out next week (on the three more hours of life I’ll be wasting) if Nick can handle the task or not.

Until then…. good luck sleeping without imagining Nick in his turtleneck.

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